Simply Existing

As I sift through the day to day routine of life and get pulled down by the small details I find my laughter slips away.

In last 6 weeks so, I have certainly been consumed by the really stressful parts of life. My cup has been filled up with kids, washing, work and two major court hearings. In the lead up to these court hearings, I run over documents each day, I have to email with my solicitors regularly, think about where I want my future to sit and what I should do. In these moments, I am not living – I am simply existing.

My cup has lacked laughter, lacked consistent exercise, lacked cooking the nice things I love, lacked patience with my kids.

My kids, my beautiful boys, even when I cry they flock me to and show empathy at such a young age. My eldest stands by my side and cuddles me, my youngest looks at me with these big blue eyes and drops his lip and says “why you sad Mummy”. See there are differing views on whether a child should see their mother sad. Some views say that it’s not good for them as I am the pillar of their world, others say it teaches them empathy. I sit in the middle, for the most part I keep it together in front of my boys. I want them to feel I am their rock – strong and stable and still maintain my outer strength even when dropped. But the other emotional human side of me, wants them to grow up not being scared of emotion, to know what to do with it, to know how to hug someone and tell them they love them. See I don’t want them to think they have to fix things but I want them to know how to hold someone’s hand when they need a friend. That is a tough challenge for many in our life.

My eldest has this beautiful way of understanding –

“why are you crying mum?”

“Don’t you worry yourself buddy, it’s just grown up stuff and it’s just making Mummy worry a bit that’s all.”

“Ok mum, you explain it to me when I am older? Love you”

“Yes mate, when you are older.”

Evidently, the list keeps racking up with things now for ‘when he’s older’!

In these crazy moments, I lack inspiration, I lack motivation, I just lack the ability to think creatively or big picture thoughts at all which is actually one of my stronger skills. Life becomes grey, life becomes this tick toc waiting for things to happen and pass by and that’s what I mean when you simply say you just exist.

I have learnt over recent years due to the depth of court hearings and challenging circumstances that these moments do pass. I liken them to panic attacks, we need to ride the wave into shore where we can walk again rather than drown. So that’s what I do, sometimes it takes weeks, other times it’s just days but somewhere in amongst the pain and chaos I get to live again – even for just a short while. These are the moments I live for – when my brain is clear enough to see my kids, my ears unblocked enough to hear their laughter and my heart warm enough to feel their hugs.

Instead of fighting for inspiration or motivation in these moments, I simply allow myself to feel how I do and know that one morning I will wake up with a bit more bounce again. And that right there, is my ultimate goal – to have the bouncy days outweigh the existing days. That is my definition of happiness!

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